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About Choice: Thoughts from "Imperfect Us"

Updated: 3 days ago

Free from suffering about choices



Faye Wong's "Red Bean" is a familiar song. "Sometimes, sometimes I believe that everything has an end, there is a time for meeting and leaving, and nothing will last forever. But sometimes I would rather choose to linger and not let go, until I have seen through all the scenery, maybe you will accompany me to watch the long flow of water." Sometimes I believe that life has no meaning, no matter what I do, it will end in the end. So should I give up? Sometimes I believe that only by persisting can there be results, and we may be able to accompany each other until old age. So give up or persist, waver left and right, and be indecisive. This is the dilemma we often face in life. Similar things like lying down or working hard, staying in hometown or going out to make a living, etc.

This is the dilemma that Rebecca once faced in recent popular TV series "Imperfect Us". She chose to give up her relationship with He Ruizhi because it was too difficult to persist, and then she was trapped by this choice for the rest of her life. She buried herself in work to avoid facing the pain caused by this choice, secretly competing with the person who replaced her, pretending to live an enviable life. In the end, she got breast cancer and paid the price of her life. Breast cancer is related to many factors, but long-term psychological pain is closely related to physical symptoms, which has been confirmed by clinical studies. What if she had persisted at the beginning? That might be what Jian Qingfen said, being despised by He's mother for a lifetime. Maybe she would regret not giving up at the beginning because of He's mother's dislike and the gradual fading of her relationship with He Ruizhi after marriage, and she would still feel pain and still get breast cancer. Who knows? Whether giving up or persisting is life, no one knows the result at the moment we choose.


The Way to Liberation

But, what if we know that all the suffering we experience is to connect us to our true self and achieve wisdom? Giving up is one kind of suffering, and persistence is another kind of suffering. Suffering makes it possible for us to wake up and discover the true self that we have always forgotten, from which we can understand the truth of life and achieve wisdom. If so, when we make a choice, will we feel firm, free, and open? Choose what you really want to choose at this moment, even if you find the pain brought by this choice later, you can face it calmly without regret.


Rebecca has been living in the pain brought by this choice. She has given up, but her heart has not let go. Her choice is completely understandable. It is based on practical considerations. She couldn't get along with He's mother, and she didn't want He Ruizhi to suffer in the middle. For the sake of her lover and her own future, she chose to give up. This is a choice made by the mind that went against the heart. The purpose is to avoid pain, but it brings another kind of pain. This is the helplessness of life, and pain is inevitable. But if we can know that all suffering is leading us to the path of our true self and wisdom, can we face the choices in life calmly, and have no regrets if we insist, and no regrets if we give up, and truly let go in our hearts at the moment of choice?


In that case, Rebecca could not be swayed by her mind and make the choice to persist, face the pain of persistence, face the dislike of He's mother with her lover, or seek help to repair the emptiness in her heart that is not loved and connect with her true self. It also gives He Ruizhi the opportunity to deal with his life issues: the codependent relationship with his mother under the constraints of filial piety culture, and complete the psychological separation. Or Rebecaa could still choose to give up and face the pain of giving up. By herself or seeking help, to mourn and transform, to connect with her true self, and truly let go in her heart, instead of burying herself in work and torturing her body to escape the inner pain.




Similarly, if you knew that no matter what you choose, there is pain, just different kind of pain, and each one will lead us to our true self and wisdom, will you feel freer to make choices without regrets?

Author: Zhenhui Lin (Yoly Lin)

Registered Clinical Counselor and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional


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